Broody and Sulky: Part 2

So here I am again. Not in the office today. At home was thinking of going early then better sense prevailed and will now reach office at my usual time (which is quite late by any standards). Still broody, still sulky, still cynical, and still contemplating.

Back in Bangalore after a trip home. The trip which has silenced me. Really and literally silenced. Anyhow I was not much of a talker but now it seems that it is one art which I have forgotten. I don't know what to say and speak. The smile along with any conversation is essentially fake and even when I do that its just to fit in. WHY?

The time off was a time for me contemplate, think about how to move forward, get over a failed relationship. The time home did gave plenty of space to brood over various matters. Unfortunately in my quest to seek answers I am left with even more questions.

Relationship, hmmm, what the heck, it was nice, it was cool, it was amazing, I am just thankful for having any. It does not matter to me any more. But I am always game for another one ;) howsoever superficial it maybe. In fact the more the superficial, the better it will be

What disturbs me today is the absence of any particular aim. I think and reflect and ask myself but I find no answer. There is a reason why the school days and college days are reminisced upon as best days in anyones life. Even without realizing we all work toward some aim. We always move forward in those days. After that the stagnation erodes the joy away from life like a termite. I now understand why some choose the drug route of escapism.

You know what, in some post of mine I would list out what I like to do. Right now as one my known observed I am like a aimless wanderer with a question "Why am I living" written on the face. I am not sad. Not at all think that. All I am today is reflective, not sad.

I am a dreamer. In this modern world along with embracing the modern concepts and beliefs (sometimes thoughts way ahead of the country I am living in ;)) somewhere their remains primitive and medieval me inside of me. Believing in super heroes and larger than life warriors. But truly speaking I would rather be not like them. Instead I would rather like to be the leader leading the unsung militia facing the first shots of the enemy. Heehehe the plot from The Patriot.

Truly speaking what I need is to flicker and lighten up myself and others and then die. The emotion that encompasses my thought process is best described by what Neil Young said in one of his songs It's better to burn out than to fade away. Till now my caged soul has been limited with absence of ways and invisible paths to excel. But one day I would. The glory would be mine, even though for a moment, it will be mine dear Sir, yes it will be mine. My Precioussssssss