Death A Great Leveler

Been a long time since I have posted anything on my blog. Its really been long and the reason I could attribute to the menopause(ic) state of my writers mind. Woman probably go through such a stage in a different context altogether but I guess men also tend to go through same state in various context. Although I have my own set of doubts regarding the admittance of such a stage in a man's life by any man but here I am an infamous and an invisible novice writer admitting to it without any shame.

Fortunately or rather unfortunately I tend to agree more on stuff the existence of which a man would tend to vehemently deny.

Well its not because of without any reason. The overall feeling of repulsiveness is driven from the futility of seeking the unanswerable which is the purpose of my life. Coupled with the demise of my ailing grandfather the state of detachment from the world was complete.

Sets of emotion which got introduced to me were new/ old and more of contemplative in nature. One of those feeling which still echoes in my mind is how great a leveler death is. Indeed it is. No matter who you are, where you are, howsoever strong, howsoever weak, rich or poor, hindu or muslim, christian or sikh, fanatic or moderate, terrorist or law abiding, upper caste or dalit, man or a woman, everyone dies. No one lives forever and ironically we tend to forget the greatest truth of all against which everything stands out a lie. In spite of that we often tend not to make most of the short span provided to us on this world but engage and worry ourself to our own demise.

My grand fathers passing away was although expected but was still a shock to me. It happens when someone who has been a guide (a rarity in my case) and is no more there to guide and believe in me especially during turbulent times. It leaves me naked exposed to the world which more or less is proving herself to be poetically harsh. Leaving me exasperated I stand out now on my own hoping to do the right thing eventually.

Strange emotions I am encountering even while writing this post. A strange sense of serenity and somberness has clouded me. Is it because out of that I haven't been able to cry when he died. Is it because of a sense of deja vu' that things start going wrong for me in December and worse is going to come in January. Or is it just because of the feeling of being an insignificant part of machinery called world. I don't know what and why but I do want to utilize my little time in this world loving and cherishing her blessings, spreading out the joy in my own flawed way. Only if I knew HOW?????